Social Anxiety problems are characterized by
anxiety, panic and fear of course; but underlying this is a pattern of harsh
self-judgment and constant feelings of failure that help to fuel the cycles of
nervousness and panic.
We are our own worst critics in
this regard. We are also more sensitive to criticism from others and we may
even sometimes imagine ourselves to be criticized when this is not happening.
The Diverse Roots of Social Anxiety all Lead To A
Common Habit Of Trying Too Hard: The varied paths to social anxiety all seem
to lead to one place. Although our symptoms may vary, we all share a common
pattern of struggling with ourselves that makes our anxiety and our negative
thinking worse. People (possibly, but not necessarily our parents) may have
been present during our formative years who were perhaps overly critical, or
set high expectations for us, to the point that we couldn’t help but feel like
failures in certain areas of life. Parents or siblings or peer groups at school
or people in the neighborhood may have unwittingly played this role. We may
unconsciously, as the result, be trying too hard to sound or look as good as
possible in order to ward off an underlying fear of sanction or rejection. And
it is in the trying too hard that we set ourselves up for our perceived
failure.
We may not all get social anxiety due to external
causes. Some of us may have simply gotten into the habit of setting unrealistic
expectations for ourselves with no outside help at all—and this snowballed over
time into social anxiety. We may have
been surrounded by loving people for most of our lives, but might have been
badly bullied once by a third party— at school or work or elsewhere— in ways
that left lasting marks on our self-esteem. Others of us may have had a missing
parent, either physically or emotionally, and we may now strive too hard to win
approval from others— to the point that we break down in fear from the stress
of our excessive internal efforts to be perfect in order to win love or
acceptance.
Substance abuse may be another route to social
anxiety. Some of us may be returning to the world from years of drug addiction,
sober and yet feeling naked and unprotected before the world. We may slip into
social anxiety before we get the chance to learn to cope with the emotional
side of sober life. Others of us may have had a traumatic drug experience or
‘bad trip’ that triggered deep fears that have since taken over our lives.
Perhaps we drank or drugged in order to cover up feelings of social anxiety in
the first place.
Society as a vector:
Various types of societal pressures can be the triggering bully for some— for
those of us who moved a lot growing up in our economically mobile world; or
perhaps due to the constant demands put on a military family, ended up always
having to deal with the stress of being the new kid on the block. Or those who
faced the ignorant cruelties of discrimination of one kind or another, facing
unkind abuse at some point because of the blindness of others; or those who
survived a traumatic traffic accident on our increasingly congested and fast
paced highways, only to find their terrifying memories imprinting them with
fears that eventually spread to other parts of their lives; or those who stayed
too long once at an unhealthy high-pressure job that pushed them into a habit
of constant performance anxiety; or those who stumbled unwittingly into in a
destructive romantic relationship where they were being seriously abused
because society has become so large and so impersonal that we often no longer
know much about the people who we date until after we are in well over our
heads—
In any of these cases— and in others too varied to
imagine— some dramatic and some very subtle but nevertheless insidious,
survivors of many traumatic or overstressing experiences may also carry wounds
that can turn into habitual social anxiety.
Social Anxiety need not be all encompassing. Some
only experience social anxiety in one or more specific situations. Fear of
public speaking is one such example. Some people only experience social anxiety
when faced with making a presentation to a large crowd. Or in going to job
interviews. Or dating. They may therefore tend to assume that Social Phobics
Anonymous is not for them. “Surely my level of suffering or my area of
anxiety-limitations doesn’t rate spa membership” they may tell themselves.
Nothing could be further from the truth. First as long as we are respectful of
others, we can attend SPA groups as long as we ourselves think we need help.
But even more importantly, one need only consider how many work and even family
situations involve being able to speak to or attend a group and one begins to
see the havoc a fear of public speaking can bring down upon one’s ambitions
relationships and dreams. Many careers
directly involve public speaking, like teaching and management— but almost
every profession involved the ability to speak to a business meeting or a
committee as a key skill, if one ever hopes to advance. Dealing with relatives
in larger families can also become very painful where a fear of public speaking
is at work. So can participation at a Church, Synagogue or Mosque. So we can
see how so-called ‘limited’ social anxiety can also be very crippling in life.
Add to this the fact that not getting help for
one’s anxiety problem in one area may eventually allow it to spread to other
areas over time and it becomes clear that the scope of one’s social anxiety is
irrelevant as far as participation in Social Phobics Anonymous groups are
concerned. All social anxiety is fundamentally performance anxiety and the
tools for overcoming these problems are the same or very similar in most cases.
Thus group members with various ‘flavors’ of social anxiety can still learn a
lot from each other.
How do we know if SPA is for us? Some
may observe that almost everyone has social anxiety—that it’s actually a
universal human condition—and this is true. However what separates us from
others is the fact that our anxiety doesn’t pass and diminish with a just a
little practice. Getting in there and
‘just facing it’ isn’t enough to make it go away all by itself. Problem social
anxiety has an elastic and persistent quality that causes us unnecessary
suffering and gums up the works of our lives in either one or more areas.
Exposure alone isn’t enough—we discover that additional help is needed. Don’t
misunderstand—facing fears can be a valuable anxiety-healing tool— and people
in SPA groups (at their own pace—and only when they feel ready) also engage in
the process of facing fears. But people in SPA have found that that the tool of
exposure alone hasn’t been enough to overcome their problem. Either they have
tried it with only limited success or, due to the paralyzing aspect of their
social anxiety, they have been unable to even try. For these people facing
fears is impossible in the first place—
And they too can benefit from attending SPA groups,
where a quiet healing takes place, gradually and overtime that can eventually
prepare them to take these steps. If we
can we can personally see any of the above patterns of resistance in our own
lives; that alone qualifies us for SPA membership.
Introverts and extroverts alike can develop social
anxiety. Social anxiety can occur regardless of whether one
is introverted (more solitary by nature) or extroverted (outgoing by nature).
Let’s start with what we imagine to be the classic socially anxious type, the
loner or semi-loner. Contrary to stereotypes, an introverted person does not by
definition have social anxiety. On the other hand— some introverted people do
have terrible social anxiety.
“How could this be?” Some may ask. “Isn’t it all
the same?”—
The answer may be that introversion is more about
personal preferences than about fear; reflecting the pattern of how one is
focused (more inward, less gregarious and more disposed to solitary types of
work like research or writing or perhaps the purely technical side of computers
are all some examples of this pattern). Many people who are introverted by
nature are confident and experience little to no anxiety when they need to
interact socially. Yet on the other
hand— an introverted person who also is a social anxiety sufferer will
experience great discomfort in many or at least certain social situations. In short, the non-socially anxious introvert
finds socializing uninteresting, but can handle it without much fear when
necessary. The socially anxious introvert, by contrast, finds the company of
others (in all cases or in certain specific arenas) to be frightening and
triggering of all kinds of self-condemnation or feelings of performance
failure.
Many people are surprised to hear that very
outgoing, extroverted individuals can have terrible social anxiety. Again, the
syndrome is a separate issue from one’s underlying personality type on the
social continuum. Our fellowship has included people in sales, those from the
highest executive levels and those who are simply very people oriented by
nature. And yet these individuals have all experience painful, chronic and
sometimes even crippling social fears. Among the extroverted socially anxious
we tend to see two general patterns—those who have hit a glass wall defined by
their fears and those who press on despite their anxiety but have had the joy
sucked out of their lives because of the secret internal nightmare of constant
social anxiety.
On the one hand there are extroverts (as well as
socially anxious introverts) whose opportunities have been limited because they
can go no further. Dreams, plans and promotions have been denied these
individuals. Friendship and romance, the very sustenance of emotional life, may
be absent or lacking in quality. Some extroverts may even have changed to the
appearance and lifestyle of the introvert. Nothing is wrong with an introverted
life for those who in their hearts have this orientation, but for the
extrovert, this can be a very painful situation because they are living
contrary to their own natures.
The other sort of socially anxious extrovert (at
first glance) hasn’t suffered any losses but has become an actor in order to
cope. Succeeding in holding up a positive functioning face to the world while
inside the anxiety tears him or her apart. Some social anxiety sufferers of
this type rise to great heights; at the very least they often get the desired
promotions, are able to date and find life partners, even raise children. Yet
inside they are miserable. While they manage to hold up appearances and
accomplish great things, their inner lives are often wracked by feelings and
thoughts of social anxiety that rob them of the essence of life. The successful
outside can become, at least in part, an empty shell and the suffering can be
just as acute as for those whose life choices have been limited by the
disorder.
Genes Versus Environment: Why The SPA Program Can
Help In Either Case. Some argue the genetic side of things is at
fault. Science has shown hints of a genetic component to our problem. Certainly
our DNA may have predisposed us to being more sensitive, more prone to worry or
panic. Why do two children of the same family respond differently to the same
circumstances? Could one have received the genes for anxiousness much like one
child can inherit the genes for allergies and asthma while the other sibling
gets off the hook? Both children are
exposed to flowers, yet how come only one sneezes?
To complicate things further, science also firmly
supports the notion that non-biological treatments can impact what may be in
part a biological realty. Study after study has shown that the purely
psychological cognitive behavioral therapies help many anxiety sufferers. Genes
for alcoholism have been identified that place this problem in the biological
camp; in fact, the original 12 Step program, Alcoholics Anonymous, was the
first organization to suggest biological roots for that problem. And yet this
purely psychological and spiritual organization has helped millions of
alcoholics to get sober and stay sober for years. A study was even done in
Florida some year’s back that showed that 12 Step meetings significantly alter
serotonin levels in the brain in a beneficial direction. Even falling in love
has been shown to alter brain chemistry. And what about the idea of ‘the push’?
Doesn’t environment give some of us the hard shove needed to throw our already
predisposed emotions out of whack in the first place?
There are many paths to social anxiety, yet once
started, the pattern is always the same. And so is the solution. No matter how we got
here, we are all obsessed with our own performance, our worthiness, and how
others view us. We all, to varying degrees have felt physical or emotional
panic. And we all, despite our best efforts or wishes to the contrary, have
been unable to change these reactions by ourselves. Similarly, despite the
scope or ‘flavor’ of our problem—the solutions are often similar or the same—
Why Social Phobics Anonymous Starts to Work For Us:
In SPA we discuss our personal stories and are free to discuss where we think
our anxiety came from, but as a whole organization we take no official position
on the causes of our anxiety. The causes are simply potentially too numerous
and still too controversial for SPA to take official definitive stand.
We do know that it is healing, if one was abused,
to talk about that. Although talking about the abuse alone is usually not
sufficient by itself to arrest the entire anxiety problem. Specific tools are
usually also needed in order to end the cycle of fear and humiliation, once the
juggernaut of social anxiety has been unleashed. Those tools are found in
abundance and applied with gentleness and at ones own pace in the Social
Phobics Anonymous program of recovery.
Coming To See That It’s Not Our fault:
All we know for sure is that it’s a part of self forgiveness to see that we
never asked for this problem in the first place and personally acknowledging
the possible external or accidental causes may aid this process of moving
towards a self-compassion that heals.
Although Social Phobics Anonymous is not opposed to
the use of medication; we find that our program of recovery, which draws not
only on the Steps, but other proven healing traditions, adds much to bring our
minds and spirits back into balance.
Our Common Ground: Wherever our social anxiety
originally came from, once it takes hold, we find the patterns and the
solutions to be strikingly similar—
The Voice of The Critic:
Underneath all the surface feelings of anxiousness, panic or fear, we always
find a common thread of self-criticism and harsh self-judgment. Whatever the
original cause, we were left with an unfounded feeling of low self worth for
which we were now habitually straining to overcompensate.
Some of us may continue to seek out critical
individuals as a way of re-creating our early experiences. Others may imagine a
continuation of criticism that is no longer there. Or we may magnify everyday
criticism and take it too much to heart.
The Trap of Over-Sensitivity:
Although a certain amount of criticism in life is unavoidable— a natural part
of life— as our social anxiety advances; we begin to take criticism very hard,
while others seem to quickly brush it off. Other people seemed to learn from
criticism what lessons needed to be learned, they ignore that which is nothing
more than ignorant stupidity, and they keep going. We on the other hand are
paralyzed and feel deep feelings of rejection or humiliation, becoming
convinced that we have somehow fallen grievously short. Until we made Social
Phobics Anonymous support groups a part of our lives, we seemed unable to make
headway at all. For many of us years, even decades of quiet suffering had
passed before we gathered the determination to make our way to an SPA support
group.
The Beginnings of Self Forgiveness:
It was here in SPA, whether we listened silently for a long time or dove right
in to the group discussions, that many of us gradually learned to begin
accepting ourselves so that agonizing feelings of panic anxiety and criticism
could no longer remain obstacles to our living healthy and happy lives.
And it is this first small glimmer that seems to
first light the way for us. One of the first secrets to recovering from social
anxiety that the newcomer stumbles upon, whether unconsciously or consciously,
always seems to be self-forgiveness. This seems to happen almost without
thought if we make the commitment to keep returning to our groups week after
week. Somehow the miracle of witnessing a social gathering of socially anxious
people triggers the faint beginnings of this process.
The Miracle Of A Community Of Social Anxiety
Sufferers: It is in the group that we first encounter
something that some may have previously thought was surely impossible— a
community of others with social anxiety. “How is it that people with a paralyzing and miserable fear of social situations can meet and even speak with each other each week?” we may muse, surprised and befuddled, “Surely this isn't possible. A society of socially anxious individuals? A bunch of social phobics hanging out with each other?
Certainly many sit quietly and say nothing. And it
is often repeated in the groups that no one need ever speak, that simply
listening is fine for those who are too anxious to talk. Yet these individuals
return to the groups week after week, not deterred by feelings of humiliation
or stopped by their fears. And there are others who go further and speak and
socialize and even read to the groups and moderate discussions!
“How can this be?”
We may ask. “How is it possible that these people can come here at all?”
What Social Anxiety Sufferers Can Give Each Other
That No One Else Can: Although we can’t be sure, it seems that on
the one hand seeing or hearing other socially anxious people from the outside
and on the other hand being welcomed and accepted by others who also have
social anxiety is where self forgiveness starts. Somehow we are much less
critical of others than we are of ourselves. We look at the socially anxious
person across the room or hear them on the telephone and even if they hare
having a hard time, we tend to automatically feel compassion for them. And it is through beginning to feel
compassion for another’s social anxiety that we can begin to feel compassion
for ourselves.
Similarly, others in the group see or hear us. They
watch our struggles or hear our story and their hearts and hands automatically
go out. For the first time we feel welcomed by others who truly understand. We
may already have parents or husbands or wives or friends who love us dearly.
Yet many of us have never felt truly understood until we found our way to an SA
support group and experienced a community of social anxiety sufferers who are
able to know this problem from the inside out.
The undeniable fact is that no one can understand
us like another social anxiety sufferer can. Even if we are only able to come
to the group and sit quietly and not say a word— even if our fears are still
dogging us as we sit there, telling us that we don’t belong— we know somehow,
in spite of all this, that at a deeper level we do finally belong; that we are
accepted and understood like never before, without having to say a word or
sound or look good. We could be a total mess and it would be perfectly okay.
And that in some way we know, even underneath of gnawing fears; that we are now
home. And so the ice begins to melt.
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