Social Anxiety and Perfectionism
How the Social Phobic’s Anonymous / Social Anxiety
Anonymous 12 Step Program of Recovery Can Help
One
trait that is nearly universal among people with social anxiety problems is an
underlying tendency towards perfectionism. The reasons for this may vary but
the results are the same: our very high standards for ourselves tend to
aggravate our anxiety problems. Some evidence even suggests that perfectionism
may be one of the prime causes of social fear.
In any case, most
of us suffer from a case of near-impossible standards for ourselves. This
result of all this perfectionism is a habit of trying too hard in life. Or it
may backfire into resignation and avoidance of people, jobs or other pursuits.
These are common results of our attempts to live up to expectations that leave
little room for our own humanity. We may never reach out to anyone else as the
result. Or we may be unable to ask that our needs be met or our boundaries
respected in existing relationships. Our overly high standards may in some
cases cause us to demand too much from others, setting up conflicts that can
further inflame our social fears.
Some of us are
very aware of our tendencies towards perfectionism and others may not realize
that our expectations for ourselves are out of synch with common standards of
fairness. Instead there is an even
firmer belief that we truly fall short as human beings. These negative
self-beliefs can approach the level of religious conviction, even among those
who otherwise view themselves as non-religious. Some may even defend these harsh standards
vigorously.
The results of
all these high internal expectations for performance are chronic feelings of
shame that breed low self esteem. Shame, when taken to excess, is a toxic
emotion that does further damage to our psyches. Shame, like fear, can paralyze
us. Healthy shame is a social emotion—inhibiting us when needed and reminding
us to follow reasonable standards of behavior. Healthy shame holds us back, when restraint is called
for, but unhealthy shame tightens into excessive control that triggers self-defeating
patterns. Shame that goes too far also becomes a crushing vice that can cripple
and imprison the social anxiety sufferer. Even if we do not always immediately
see its connection to perfectionism, we can feel the damage that excessive
shame is doing to us and this may generate even more fear.
Fear also lies underneath
of our feelings of shame. A fear of not measuring up, coupled with a fear of
never being able to deserve the acceptance of others. All of this overlies an
even deeper fear of abandonment. This is one of the most powerful human fears
because for a child, abandonment can mean death. In nature this fear served for
millions of years to keep small children from wandering too far from the
protection and nurturance of their parents. In healthy circumstances it also
kept adults tied to the protection of their families, tribes or villages. Since
the fear of abandonment is an instinct tied directly to survival, the fear of
death is always its hidden partner.
So what can be
done to lessen these powerful fears and the shame that drives them? A gentle
but determined and in-depth study of the 12 Steps of Social Phobic’s Anonymous
/ Social Anxiety Anonymous can address this problem from many angles. Remember
that the 12 Steps are not an intellectual subject but can be studied repeatedly
with good effect; with the intention of gently reinforcing within ourselves new
ways of responding to our emotions and to the world. This is true so long as
our intent is to let go of excessive control of ourselves and others.
Surrendering control however should be towards the end of finding our true
power as human beings: A power that comes from our true selves- and the
universe in which we are grounded.
Gradually the 12
Steps, along with regular attendance at Social Phobic’s Anonymous / Social
Anxiety Anonymous support groups, help us to replace perfectionism with
compassion for ourselves and others. We learn to allow ourselves to be human
and to put self-acceptance into daily practice. Self acceptance means that it’s
OK to sound or look nervous, and that it’s even OK to fail. People without
social anxiety disorder get nervous or fail at pursuits all the time; but are
able to do so with less self-condemnation. This allows them to pass through these
situations and continue trying as a part of the path towards overall success. Paradoxically
the more we are able to allow ourselves to be imperfect, the more progress we
are actually able to make.
The more we see moments
of anxiousness, imperfection and failure as part of a natural process rather
than as a profoundly shameful events, the more we are then able to resume the
journey of life, no longer crippled by our social fears.
Although embracing
imperfection allows us to start taking risks, in SPA / SOCAA it is suggested
that we do so gently and without pressuring ourselves. We also move forward on
our own timetable and no one else’s. More on this is discussed in the section of
SPA/SOCAA literature on “The Principle of Gentle Persistence”.
As our recovery
continues, our definition of success may also change to an image of our lives
that is more balanced, gentle and self- nurturing. The truth is that human
beings aren’t perfect, and so perfectionism has demanded the impossible from
us, which would make anyone anxious. In place of these impossible standards we
gradually learn to work gently but persistently at creating lives on a truly
human scale, with space to make mistakes; time to take breaks and rest, and
time to meet our needs in an unpressured and patient manner in the areas of
work, play, spirituality, romance, family and friendship. In time, all of this
is possible with an ongoing self-forgiveness that allows us to love ourselves
warts and all.
Return
to the SPA / SOCAA Literature Page: www.spalibrary.info
Social
Phobic’s Anonymous / Social Anxiety Anonymous Home Page:
www.healsocialanxiety.com
(Our
free local support groups and also free
telephone support groups can be
found on our home page listed above).